What day is it ?!

SATAN DAY !!!

That's right baby, today is the big day. 06/06/06! 666 Day! Satan! Woo-hoo! It's that time of year when we dust off our party hats, dress up in tight red spandex singlets and incinerate stacks of King James bibles. Sure it isn't quite as fun as Christmas, but it sure as hell beats that other holiday. What's that one called again? You know, the one where a giant bunny secretly comes to hide eggs around the house? Oh yeah, Easter. On balance worshipping Satan is obviously cooler than celebrating Easter,a holiday clearly invented by a group of hippies on a bad acid trip. Obviously.

So, do any of you have any plans for the big 666? None yet, huh? Well don't worry, your cute friend, me, is here to help. I offer up the following ideas for today's festivities. Feel free to pick and choose from the list. Remember, it's all about making 06/06/06 a special day for you and those you don't love.

• Why not surprise that special someone with a box of industrial strength pesticide? Although Satan would prefer said pesticide to be used to kill people, he understands if you and/or your enemies experience some reticence. However, killing plants and trees is a close second to killing actual people. So go wild, child!


• Have unprotected sex. Satan loves it when you have a good go, unprotected lke.


• Spite your neighbor. Perhaps pee in their mailbox in the middle of the night. Or if you have access to their apartment, hide a fish in an unlikely place. In three weeks you will be laughing right along-side Satan as your neighbors desperately try to discover where the 'dying' smell is coming from.


• Start and end every sentence with the words 'god damn' or 'god damn it'. Satan rejoices when you make fun of the 'eternal party-pooper'.


• Spend every Sunday/Friday of this month shopping for pornography instead of attending church/mosque (Satan prefers lesbian porn, if you are thinking of buying omiyage).


• Don't eat corn. 'Cause Satan don't like the corn. I shit you not.


• And if you currently live in Japan, you need not do anything special to please Satan on his big day. Your presence in this god-less, Louis Vuitton-worshipping country is more than enough to satisfy the dude down there.

Well that's all from me, folks! Hope you have an angry, hate-filled day today. I know I sure will! Cause im planning to kill my supervisor today. I swear to God, Allah, Mohammed, Jesus, Buddha and Kim Jong Il.