I am a dog

That's right, a dog. A canine. A mut. A pooch. A bitch. A leg-humper. A toilet-bowl drinker. And you know what? I blame it all on people here. Somehow this country is turning me into a fucking dog. Of course I'm not a dog all the time. No, only around 37% of the time I'd say. Maybe 38%, I forgot how to round up and down. Anyways, to prove my point I offer up some bullet dealies.

• When I don't understand something, which happens on a daily basis, I use my energy and general lovability to pull through. Dogs don't understand fuck all half the time, but we love them because they are generally entertaining. Like me.
  
• I've become a master of reading situations and people. When you lose one of your senses, the others usually kick-in and compensate. (Did you know that blind people in New York can actually hear butterflies banging-it-out in Madagascar? What, you don't think the internet would lie, do you? Anyways, as I often lose the ability to understand (and thus truly 'hear') whats going on around me, I am forced to rely on my other senses. By simply 'watching' a person (body language, small facial expressions, general 'presence') I can probably tell you, at least in general, how they are doing. Dogs read their masters. I read people. Bow wow.
  
• If you don't watch me closely enough I am likely to drink your beer, eat your food and/or pee on your precious tatami. You have been warned.
  
• I'll eat anything and everything you put in front of me,even if it might kill me (raw chicken, anyone?).
  
• When I talk to my friends,only a select few can understand what I'm trying to say. To the rest of the maggots I probably sound like I'm saying "Woof. Wooooooooof. WOOOOOOOOOOOF. WOOFWOOFWOOF. Woof. Okay?"
  
• I can't focus on anything for more than four seconds. Unless you give me a treat, in which case it's ten.
  
• I often do weird things that no one around me understands (e.g. leave work when I'm supposed to, sing when im in shower, slobber etc). Sure, other dogs (mostly are foreigners) would understand, but Japanese people? Yeah, they got nothing.
  
• I'm praised for simple things, such as being able to reach the switch button that is only 3 meters high, or being able to eat with knife and fork. Sit, Booboo, sit! Good dog.
  
• I'm getting hairy. My arms and legs start to grow more hair now