Dictionary

My blog readership could be easily divided between the people who do and don't understand the following: "oats-car-osama." So... to alleviate the troubles of the Nihongo-impaired, I will now provide a master lexicon of basic phrases you'll find unconsciously scattered throughout my posts.

Abunai: "Watch out!; Dangerous." Employed as follows, "Urinating on powerlines during an electrical storm is abunai."

Arigato Gozaimasu: "Thank you." Alternatives include arigato, domo, and for bad omiyage, "meh" is acceptable.

Omiyage: Souvenirs brought back from vacations to apologize to your colleagues or friends for letting them down by enjoying your life rather than working yourself into a pointless drudgery-induced suicidal nihilism. Omiyage are typically nicely packaged snacks, whose stomach churning contents (often red bean paste) are also seen as a form of revenge against your nosey co-workers.

Eigo: The English language, a form of primitive communication common amongst the big-nosed, yellow-haired, vaguely simian creatures who inhabit Gaikoku. Characterized by a series of loud grunts and strange ape-sounds like "L" and "th."

Gaikoku: One of the only two countries in the world, the other being Japan. The residents of Gaikoku often insist that Gaikoku is not one nation but many, with a stunning array of cultures and history, but this is silly.

Gaijin: Literally, "outsider," it is the somewhat derogatory term used for "foreigners" in Japan. The preferred word is "gaikokujin," which means "outlander." In Japanese fucked-up mind, gaijin are easily identified by their large noses, pale skin, blond hair, and enormous genitalia.

Chuugakko: Literally, "middle school," where i used to have a part-time-job teaching english. It is the equivalent of the American junior high, with grades 7-9. Also known as "Japanese Boot Camp," since it is in chugakko that students are educated in the ways of Japanese culture. Namely, soul-crushing conformity and inedible food. "Chugakksei," means "jr. high school student," though the word literally means, "little shits in sailor suits."

Ganbatte Kudasai: "Do your best!" Employed when urging someone to win a game, ace a test, or dig up all that unsightly grass.

Genki: "Lively, energetic." Used lovingly to describe rambunctious children or as an insult for extremely annoying and infantile adults. Also forms the basis of the greeting "o-genki desu ka?" (lit. "are you lively?", equiv. of "how are you?"), the response to which is usually "I'm fine sankyou ando you."

Shokudo (Seikyo): "University canteen" Originally developed to provide students with healthy and cheap food, it's currently used to break the spirits of students. Banned as torture by the Geneva Convention in 1949.

Nihon: A semi-mythical island empire located at the eastern fringes of the world. Its name literally means "Origin of the Sun," which is usually poeticized in English as, "The Land Where You Can Buy Used Schoolgirl Panties from Vending Machines."

Nihongo: The Japanese language. Not known to be related to any other language on earth, it has been controversially said to be connected to the Altaic language group that includes Turkish and Mongolian, but with some Polynesian influences. This controversy arises largely from the fact that no one has any idea what the hell the Japanese are saying.

Nihonjin: A mythical race of people rumored to live in a mysterious archipelago in the sea. Long since proven by scientists to have only existed in old wives' tales to scare Chinese and Korean children. According to legend, the Nihonjin were a hard-working people who loved tea, had bland food and bad teeth, and were given to startling bursts of technological progress between long stretches of isolation and the occasional attempt at genocidal world domination. See also: the British.

Ohayo gozaimasu: "Good morning." Usually shortened to "mhsssssss," so that walking into a Japanese office in the morning sounds like walking into a den of snakes with speech impediments.

Osaki ni: "Excuse me for leaving the room," one says this when leaving work before others. Translations also include, "excuse me for actually having a life," and "so long suckers!"

Otsukaresama deshita: Literally, "you must be tired," it is the equivalent of "thank you for your hard work." Also said at the end of the day when leaving work, when it means "thank you for your fruitless hours of ridiculousness." Also effectively used after: sex, a co-worker's sojourn in the staff bathroom, and bad dates.

Tsukareta: "I'm tired." At Konbini where you are doing your part-time-job, it means, "get the fuck away from me, you fuckers!"

Konbini: "Convenience store." A ubiquitous aspect of Japanese life, conbinis are the place to go to for all of life's essentials: food, snacks, drinks, supplies, and porn with the genitals blurred out.

Nomikai/Enkai: "Work party." A time for Japanese people to get together with co-workers and unwind over a few drinks (note that in Japan, "a few drinks" is the equivalent of a kegger). Since what occurs at an enkai will never be mentioned again, enkais often involve employees drunkenly telling off their boss, exposing themselves, asking ridiculously personal questions, or engaging in wanton sexual behavior. Perhaps, Virtually identical to office Christmas parties in America, except no one gets fired on Monday for urinating on the boss's wife after she passes out.

Inaka: "Countryside." The rural districts of Japan, as determined and measured by the meters between conbinis. If you can walk 10 meters without passing a Lawson's, Family Mart, 7-11, or Coco, you are officially inaka. Levels of inaka are also classified by the best fast food chain one has. As follows: Not Inaka (Wendy's), Partially Inaka (McDonald's), Pretty Inaka (KFC), Damned Inaka (MosBurger), Ridiculously Fucking Inaka (none). The inaka is distinguished by its expanses of rice paddies, unpopulated schools, small villages, lack of young people, and extremely sexually frustrated single people.

Kana: The native Japanese writing system, used alongside kanji, the kana are the two phonetic syllabaries: hiragana and katakana. The former is used to write Japanese words and provide grammar references in sentences, like verb endings and particles. Katakana is used to bastardize foreign loan words, so that rather than being embarassingly productive, foreigners are forced to spend hours sounding out katakana words they encounter, trying desparately to figure out which of their own words it is. For instance, "hanbugu," "chiizu," or "rabu rabu." Many Japanese words are also written in katakana, to the further torment of foreigners

Kanji: "Han Chinese Characters." The system of writing borrowed from China, kanji are some 2,000 ideographs that have both phonetic and semiotic components called "radicals" (such as water, wheat stalk, mouth, fire, person, etc) that reveal much about the culture that invented them. For instance, ethnolinguists have determined that the fauna of China when the characters were first invented consisted largely of window panes with spider legs and spikey boxes wearing hats.

Ne: The equivalent of the Canadian "eh?" or the more formal "isn't it?", "ne" is an interjection seeking confirmation from the addressed party. Used as follows, "the sky's really beautiful, ne?" or "Food at seikyo tasted like the underside of my left ass cheek, ne?"

Oishii: "Delicious." The word has an interesting history, as for centuries it served merely as an abstract concept, as none of the raw or overcooked food in Japan could even remotely be described as "oishii." Oishii thus could only be defined as something that didn't exist. The first word you will learn when you come to Japan, as you can hear people say it every single second.

Suki: "Like." Used as such, "sashimi ga suki desu" ("I like tasteless, uncooked fish"). Also used to mean love, so that the highest level of intimacy that can be expressed in Japanese is "suki desu," or "I like you." This is reserved only for true love of the most transcendant sort. More common expressions include: "I don't mind you" (for immediate family members), "I vaguely tolerate you" (for close friends), and "I suppose that if given the choice, I'd probably prefer you not to die, but I can't be totally sure" (for other friends). Co-workers, acquaintances, and others are told, "reply hazy, try again later."

Tanoshii: "Enjoy." Despite "fun" being a near-perfect, easy-to-remember and pronounce translation of "tanoshii," the Japanese prefer to employ the verb "enjoy" as an adjective. As follows: "The festival was enjoy." As with katakana loan words, this is done not out of ignorance, but out of the enjoy that comes from watching the veins in a foreigner's head throb.

Yatta! : "Did it!" The Japanese equivalent of "woo hoo!", employed upon completion of a task. Particularly effective in the bathroom for yourself. Use "Otsukaresama deshita" for others.

Yosh! : Japanese equivalent of the heavy sigh, used after a gruelling physical exertion such as standing up, sitting down, opening a book, lifting a paperclip, or breathing.